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I don’t diet; I practice edible denial.
My vibe is “text me when you’re outside forever.”
Unintentional Innuendos? My boss told me to “touch base,” so HR touched base with me.
Trapping? Trapping is Home Alone but meaner.
Terrible Roommates? My roommate practices drums at midnight—I practice murder fantasies.
Bad Selfies? Bad selfies prove angles are bullies.
Book Reviewers? Book reviewers brag about speed-reading boredom.
Guitar Bros? Guitar bros always know “Wonderwall.”
Outdoor Cooking Fans? Outdoor cooking is seasoning dirt.
I don’t brag; I add footnotes.
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