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My anxiety is sponsored by “what if?”
Auto-Play Trauma? Netflix auto-play is like an ex who won’t stop calling.
Weird Food Combinations? Pineapple on pizza isn’t controversial, it’s culinary terrorism.
Autocorrect Fails? I texted “I’m here,” but autocorrect announced “I’m herpes.”
I don’t brag; I leak trivia.
Toddlers on Planes? Toddlers on planes are banshees with juice boxes.
Drunk Texting Exes? Drunk texting your ex is like ordering takeout—you’ll regret it in the morning.
My optimism is a rental car.
Swimming? Swimming laps is drowning politely.
Vegan Cheese Catastrophes? Vegan cheese tastes like betrayal in block form.
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