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My optimism is a part-time employee with benefits.
Pet Peeves? My biggest pet peeve is people chewing like they’re auditioning for ASMR.
I don’t ghost; I fade like jeans.
Hairstyles From Another Decade? My mullet came back in style—too bad it was attached to me.
Sustainable Fashion Preachers? Sustainable fashion is $400 shirts made from trash.
Weird Lawsuits? Suing McDonald’s for hot coffee is America’s love language.
Game Tournaments? My chess tournament ended when I realized my opponent was 8 and ruthless.
Festival Porta-Potties? Porta-potties at festivals prove Satan exists.
My talent is remembering awkward things from 2009.
Fireworks Fails? Fireworks fails are patriotism plus ambulance rides.