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Overhyped Gadgets? I bought a smart watch that’s dumber than a sundial.
Childhood Memories? Childhood memories are trauma dressed as nostalgia.
Pre-Workout Disasters? I took pre-workout once and started bench-pressing my feelings.
Career Advice? Career advice is “follow your passion”—straight to bankruptcy.
Cryptic Facebook Statuses? “Some people disappoint me” isn’t vague—it’s aimed at your cousin.
Poets? Poets are broke philosophers with metaphors.
Screenwriting? Screenwriting is typing “INT.” for therapy.
Speed Dating? Speed dating is Tinder with a timer.
Compass Nerds? Compass nerds get lost confidently.
Painting Classes? Painting classes are wine tastings with brushes.